Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Something about Mary

Edit: I wrote this back in May. I have since become more zen about the whole thing, but it was really, REALLY bothering me a lot for a while. A long while. Also, after I wrote it, I felt like such a DICK. Like, my roommate is just the sweetest and I act like a sullen teenager around her at home. I JUST DON'T WANT TO TALK RIGHT NOW OKAY. Talk to me when I am not busy. And guess what. I am always busy.

Katrina (my friend) said I should make a post about this. So this is for you, fellow crazy person.

alternate title: I never said patience was my strong suit.
Another alternate title: I'm not crazy. but yes, I am.

This is a bunch of word vomit, I wrote it out a little more how my thoughts are so it's a little less cohesive than normal and I didn't feel like editing it too much.

It's nice when someone just gets you, no explanation needed, where sometimes there aren't the right words to explain, and/or you just aren't able to, it's a more of a feeling than a thought, and sometimes it's as black and white as just instantly getting it vs learning to understand it. sometimes it feels like people aren't even trying to understand you like they are putting 100 percent of the communication burden on you, like it's impossible for them to disagree and understand, they expect you to keep explaining until they get to that moment of eureka! I understand it now because I also agree with it. its possible to get something and also not agree you know. so it's nice and a relief and relaxing and rewarding and all that to have someone be like I get you.  THANK THE LORD IN HEAVEN. not all communication is verbal, a great deal isn't, and its just so frustrating when you have to keep trying to verbalize things that just can't be verbalized. Can someone just empathize with me here???

yes, headphones is a valid suggestion. but. if it was a valid solution to my problem, I would have been doing it already. it's been suggested numerous times. and you even got me headphones. and yet. still not using them. why. because it's not a valid solution FOR ME.  It's another thing where you don't get it, and take it as me being difficult and particular, and maybe yes, but there are so many reasons. you are asking me to add another layer of annoyance and frustration to my already annoying and frustrating situation. and I just can't. I'm barely holding it together, you just can't see that. or maybe you can and that's why you keep trying to help. and I appreciate that. and I also know how annoying it is to hear someone complain about the same thing over and over again and I try not to. it may not seem like it but if you ask me what I'm thinking about 9 times out of 10 it's about this.

I can't have my phone visible at work. so I would have to finagle the headphones/phone in such a way the phone can stay hidden, but I have movement.
I do not just sit at my desk. I  have to get up and get boxes. stand up to take the files out. put the files on  my desk and maneuver them as I type them, one stack to one side and back, and I have a system to it, and the idea of headphones and a cord in the way is annoying. I will have to be taking on and off these headphones all of the time.
I have to get up to scan. this machine is at a different desk but in the same room. there is nowhere to hide my phone in that situation.
sometimes people talk to me. sometimes it's about work. I can't hear them with headphones. I will have to take the headphone off for this.
carts have to be constantly maneuvered, and myself and my chair so it's comfortable to type. the cord will get in the way.
I don't like things in my ears, it really hurt, so I have the over the ear kind (again, so kind and wonderful that you tried). that will also annoy and hurt after awhile and leave marks.
I don't like a constant stream of noise into my ears. this hurts. and is annoying.
taking on and off these headphones will also mess up my hair. it will come undone and I will have to constantly fix it. yes, you got it, annoying,
every time I take these headphones off, I will hear the noises I'm trying to cancel out. which at this point has reached peak annoyance and hearing it one time is too much.
just the idea that I have to be constantly aware of and manipulating my headphones is annoying.
maybe this would not be so annoying IF I WASN'T ALREADY AT CAPACITY FOR ANNOYANCE.

(second edit: I did explain my headphone situation to my husband and he said why didn't you just tell me all that before. it just I had a hard time explaining it until after I wrote it.)
it's something that so minor and no one seems to notice. it's something that is a dick thing to complain about. I (try to) keep it to myself (not very well, I have mentioned this to so many people because it is on my mind all of the time, I'm obsessed). I'm in a constant state of unease and annoyance. which my husband notices and comments on my agro-ness. I notice it too. which is annoying that I can't shake it. there is no break. no relief long enough to take the edge off. it's my life now. it consumes me.

it's at work.
it's at home.
it's through the walls.
it's through the floor.
no escape. no solace.

it's not like I can just try to get through the day knowing once I'm home I don't have to hear it because yes I do have to hear it. doing the dishes? can hear her through the wall. taking a shower? yup. still hear her. upstairs in my bedroom? yup again.

I have to maintain my sanity and make my tallies.
the tally verifies that this is excessive, I'm not crazy. but I still feel crazy. my jaw clenches, I'm tense. I'm agitated. my voice has visible irritation. I'm always in a bad mood. my patience is frayed. Anyone making those noises now grates on me.

I'm not saying people can't make any noise ever.
I'm not saying I don't have patience for a cold.
allergies.
for a few days, weeks even.
I am talking about MONTHS AND YEARS of consistent noises. I started a tally. its not a small number.
43 sighs in five hours. read that again. FORTY FUCKING THREE TIMES IN FIVE HOURS (I'm even being generous with the time, it's really four and a half hours because she is gone for thirty minutes for her lunch). Every seven minutes there is a sigh.

and it's not just sighing.
it's sniffing.
it's throat clearing.
it's coughing.
it's asking the same questions about work that I have answered over and over in the past six years.
it's asking me to repeat everything because you can't hear me.
then act wounded when I shout. in an irritated tone. JUST MAKE IT A VOLUME TWO. LIKE I HAVE SAID OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. MY ANSWER IS ALWAYS THE SAME. YOU HAVE NOW WORKED HERE LONGER THAN I HAD WHEN I STARTED TRAINING YOU. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE ASKING ME THE SAME FUCKING QUESTION AS YOU WERE FROM SIX YEARS AGO. (and if your follow up question, because you always have a follow-up question, is "so do I mark the chart with a two?" I WILL SET YOU ON FIRE)

but the sighing.
oh, my god the sighing.

the sighs were the straw that broke me.
I can't not focus on it. my body tenses in anticipation of each sigh. I know when she is going to do it before she does it. My brain is like, she is going to sigh. Please oh god, this one time, don't just don't. But she is. BUT PLEASE DON'T. Then she sighs. My face scrunches up, I'm starting to develop a physical tic.

sigh, when you open a door to leave.
sigh, when you open the door to come back.
sigh, when you put your bag down.
sigh, when you sit down.
sigh, when you sit up.
sigh, when you start typing.
sigh, when you stop typing.
sigh, when you pass by the tv.
sigh, when you get water.
sigh, when you say good morning.
sigh, when you say goodbye.
sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh

until I want to stand up and shout
SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID CUNT
SIGH ONE MORE TIME
AND I WILL MURDER YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
and throw everything at the wall
and scream AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
while running at her at full speed
and staple her mouth and windpipe shut.
like a crazy person. because it's just a sigh. and she is such a nice person, and really doesn't deserve my vitriol.

so keep everything inside. make your tally. countdown to September. because the only solution is when there is no one to make those noises anymore.

(No I'm not going to murder her, she is retiring and moving.)

8 comments:

  1. It's so much worse when you have to live with someone.....

    Our annoying roommate moved out over 10 years ago. We only see him a few times a year. I have to physically keep myself from cringing when he does something that annoyed me over 10 years ago. And you have to work with her, too. I completely understand.

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    1. She wants us to keep in contact after she moves out, which I would like to do but then like this morning the first thing i'm sitting on the couch and SHE SIGHS before saying good morning. UUUUUGGGGHHHHH. Like I'm ready to be all chirpy and good morning and fucking ruins it in less than a second.

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  2. I seriously just want to hug you right now. I get it. I GET IT. Oh man. The tallying. You can predict it. You feel it coming and your body tenses. SOON. SOON.
    And I seriously hate it when people are all "just do this." "Yes, that is the perfect solution, except for several factors, you dill hole." (And thank goodness I am not the only person who thinks earbuds are painful.)

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    1. YAYYYYYY!!!
      My ears are pretty sensitive, even ear plugs hurt.
      The past six months have been very hard maintaining patience. Like on Monday, I had the day off, but my supervisor forgot so no one knew where i was. And mary told them my phone wasn't working so they didn't call me. My phone was fine. I never told her my phone wasn't working. We were on the same plan over a year ago, then my husband switched us to Tmobile and she stayed with sprint. and i have tried and tried to explain this whole past year that we have separate plans now so i know nothing about her cell phone, she still thinks we are on the same plan. SO. her phone wasn't working, so she thought my phone wasn't working. And she thought HER phone wasn't working because my husband canceled my sisters phone so therefore my husband must have canceled her phone. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE MARY. Even so, my husband canceled my sisters phone over a week ago. UGGGHHHH.

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    2. Ok, this woman is insane. ;)

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  3. Honestly, living in close quarters with anyone you are not related to/in love with is probably unnatural/best avoided. My best friend and I ended up wanting to murder each other after a year (it was in a studio to be fair). I adore my husband more than I think is natural for people who have been together as long as we have, but he occasionally annoys me with body noises. They don't repulse/make me want to strangle him because I love him, basically. A weekend at my in-laws with my father in law, I am at breaking point after a couple of days with the farting and the talking with food in the mouth and all around gross-ness (my husband is nothing like that thank god because it probably would be the end for me!). Other people are hell! ;-/

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    1. Unnatural! Yes! It's really been the past six months that have been the worst. If she wasn't going to retire, I think I was going to have to ask her to move out. My husband and I spend a lot of time together, and i would say 95% of the time he doesn't annoy me ;) we really live together well.

      talking with food! uuuggghhh, i'm so sorry!!! yeah, if I think about the times i was most stressed, it's living with other people. i need to have my space. this september will be FOUR YEARS with my roommate. it was supposed to only be a year.

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    2. Oh god yes living with other people is the worst.

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