Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Getting waxed for the first time...

So this whole post is going to be TMI territory, at least as far as I'm concerned, because how else can I write a post about my lady bits without being specific? Or as specific as I can be since I did just type "lady bits"...

So anyway, you've been warned.


Seriously though.

Okay, here we go.

Everyone has their preferred method and amount of hair down there they like, and for me I'm just a lazy girl in all the ways. 
  • I'm not a very hairy person. I only shave my legs below the knee (well, the knees too), and the hair is sparse. Strangely, I do have to shave my big toes. What the hell?
  • My lady bits are a bit the same. Its not sparse, but it doesn't go super crazy. I've seen photos at work where it looks like they are hiding a muppet between their legs, and I totally agree with spending the money on laser surgery, cause nobody has time for that.
  • I don't like spending a lot of time on primping and pampering, it's just not interesting.
  • I take care of it in the shower, with a small pair of scissors, and I don't wear my glasses in the shower, and I have no real vision to speak of, so its more of a tactile procedure. 
  • I wear mostly boy short undies so I'm not even that concerned about the bikini line, cause NO BIKINI LINE, YA'LL.
So the end result can be a patchy, bald spot affair, with random hairs not in line. Not very... attractive. So somewhere, sometime, I got the idea I should maybe go and get my bikini line waxed professionally. But then I was like, well, if I'm going to go do THAT, and already be nervous and pay cash money, why not GO ALL THE WAY? Two reasons: one, if I got just the bikini done, I would still be responsible for all the other stuff, and we know how well that has been going, so it's not really saving me from anything, and two, that way I would know for sure if I liked what bits being waxed or not, and not have to guess just from having the bikini line done.

So I scheduled just that: a Brazilian wax. SO THANKFUL I could do all the scheduling online and I didn't have to make one phone call! HELL YEAH. Living the shy introvert dream right there, people.

Then of course I obsess over what is expected and how I should "prep" myself for such a day. I scour the internet and find an AMA (ask me anything) of  a wax professional and read about their worst stories. So some things I learned:
  • shower
  • clean out all that "smegma" (that was the word used) (and you know what this refers to, yes? don't make me explain it)
  • make sure if you have gone number 2, NO DINGLE BERRIES (whyyyyy, oh god why would anyone have those)
  • don't go near your period (before or after), your skin is more sensitive
  • take a Tylenol before you go, like at least 45 min before. nothing that would thin your blood though, because you might bleed, so don't wear any light underwear
  • lightly exfoliate the area
  • expect the appointment to be 30 min to an hour
  • but the main thing was seriously, BE CLEAN (there were some awful stories there, and I know those were the really stand out ones but it made me really paranoid about being gross down there)
I scheduled mine for 11 am on a weekend so I could have time to prep and be all clean. I don't know if anyone watched Amy Schumer on SNL when she mentioned how you clean your ahem, booty hole before a date and she mentioned her THUMB? Ugh, yeah, god no, I don't do that (sorry for discussing my bootie hole). BUT (ha). I will dampen a Q-Tip, and twist it in the opening until clean (however many Q-tips that takes (usually one, two to be SURE). And I find that I can twist one way comfortably but not the other but I always forget which. Ouchie). I do this for pap-smear prepping, so I did this for waxing (aka getting all up in my business) prepping.

So now I'm all clean (I hope!) and ready(ish). I go and check in and wait. And wait. Apparently my technician was running late with her client. Aye.

Finally I get to go in and she tells me to undress from the waist down and get into the lotus position with my feet together on the bed.

I'm like, okay. But I'm still sitting on the little stool, waiting for her to leave while I do this. She turns around and repeats herself. I know I look confused and I say, Oh, you mean, literally, right now???

So I undress and get up on the bed then I blank on wtf a lotus position is. Aye. Great job Heather, you are a moron.

Okay, I get in position and we make small talk.

She does her thing, letting me know when to breathe and brace myself, and I do okay. There were a couple spots that do hurt (and she always warned me), which I yelp a bit then laugh, cause being in pain sometimes is a surprise, and then is funny to me. She kind of gave me a look and asked if I was okay. Yes (giggle), I'm fine.

You know what didn't hurt? Between the butt cheeks. I know. She told me it wasn't going to hurt, and I was like okay, I trust you... kinda. But she was right. She just had me put my arms under my legs and then did her thing. I didn't have to get in a doggy position or anything (thank god).

Even with being let in late, my whole appointment was less than 30 min. I was a champ and I really didn't have that much hair to deal with. 

I really did like the end results and I will be maintaining it this way for the future. I didn't have anything swell or have a bad reaction of any kind. 

Stuff I did to maintain and prevent ingrown hairs and whatnot:
  • exfoliate every night when I take a shower (just a dime sized dollop of the most expensive body wash I have ever bought. But at this rate, it should last me all year. And it really does work. I didn't bring it with me on my trip to Vegas, and I did get one little bump, but once I started exfoliating at home, it was gone right away.)
  • lotioned it the first few days (I bought Eucerin intensive repair)

Other than that, that's all I do! She did say I was going to love the result and she was right. Getting a Brazilian wax was not as scary and weird as I initially thought! (I mean, it was still weird just not level 10 weird).

...Sorry, no photos ;)


  1. Wow, you went ALL IN! I have had bikini waxes, but never the full monty. And I have had some more weird/embarassing ones living in NY/doing them on the cheap at Asian salons (also where I first had someone wax my toes, much to my shock, and now I too am obsessed with the big toe hair!

    1. i know, i surprised myself!!!

      hmm, i wonder if i should get my toes waxed? i'm shy about my feet though (more than my genitals??? ha) so probably not that.

      i'm interested in these weird/embarrassing stories!

    2. Mainly just to do with the beauticians (for whatever reason there was usually more than one!) bending me in weird positions, not speaking much English (although one did once remark "You very hairy lady!") which um...yeah, not mortifying at all!! I didn't ask to have my toes waxed, I think once I was getting my legs done (I have no idea why, I was a starving artist, it must have been a deal) and they waxed my toe/s and I was all "What, there's hair there?"

    3. OMGOD i would never get waxed again!!!! My face would be sooo red from embarrassment!

  2. This was a great post. I love weird body stuff posts. Thanks for sharing this. :)
    And dude...people need to learn to clean themselves, yo.

    1. i get that sometimes you go a day or so without a shower, but when you are going to get a spa service done??? that's why i didn't schedule it for after work, i wanted to be clean!

    2. Exactly! Like, you have nowhere to go, you skip a shower for a day. But...seriously...some things you NEED to be clean for.
      Also: totally weird TMI question - (sorry) - any information about hair length before going in? I mean...I keep mine trimmed (sorry again!) but was there anything mentioned anywhere about that hair should be trimmed or left to grow all 70's porn fro or...what is a good recommended length when getting this service done?

    3. Oh! I totally forgot to mention hair length! You don't want it too long, they will have to trim it and spend more time on your lady bits which I would rather avoid. The hair should be about a quarter inch long, long enough for the wax to grab a hold of. I just had my second appointment four weeks after the first one to give you an idea.

  3. I'm still too chicken to try a lady bits wax (and I'm low on funds now, anyway), but I DO have wax all the things on my financial goals list. Shaving is the worst.

    1. It really isn't as bad as I thought! I'm a super shy girl, but I signed up for a whole year after the first time.