Monday, October 12, 2015

TURTLEGATE


1. My turtle is a creature of habit. He even takes the same route around the yard every day to the point there are now distinct trails that you can see.

2. My turtle was sleeping in position 1 in the diagram for about a week.

3. I have disturbed my sleeping turtle before, in frustration that he was sleeping in the corner and not his hut, and he gets very upset and just charges in a different direction if you don't stop bothering him. (His first instinct at being pulled is to dig in farther wherever he is at making it very difficult to drag him.)

5. I went to position 1, the corner, first on Saturday morning to try to coax him out of that place so I could start building my wall. He wasn't there, but a footprint was. PANIC SETS IN. SOMEONE STOLE MY TURTLE.

5. I find him in position 2, in front of the branches. This tells me something disturbed his sleep and he just charged forward until he hit an obstacle.

6. He has never slept in this spot before. Like I said, my turtle doesn't do new things.

7. If a raccoon or something disturbed him (so far, the raccoons DGAF about turtle), only turtle feet scrapes would be visible in the soft dirt in the corner, not a footprint.

8. Therefore, the footprint appeared AFTER my turtle had changed positions. Or even if you want to argue that he decided to sleep in position 2 and was never in position 1 (which this is stupid and you are wrong, but let's roll with it for the sake of argument), then:

9. Why would a footprint be there? I haven't stepped there to move him in forever, and he has slept in that corner for the past five days or so, digging. Only turtle marks should be there. I know this because I check on him EVERY MORNING before I go to work, and Friday morning he was asleep in the corner (he doesn't wake up until about 10 am and I leave at 8 am).

10. The footprint was small, but the tread wasn't the same as my outside shoes or my converse. They looked more like boot treads. My neighbor is not a big guy, and wears boots.

11. My neighbor has admitted to jumping our fence to figure out what dinosaur monster we had living in the backyard when he first moved in. (you can see my turtles feet underneath the front gate)

CASED CLOSED, MUTHER-FUCKER.

7 comments:

  1. The small footprint makes me think it was maybe a kid? Can you put up a sign that says "DO NOT ENTER/Touch my turtle and there will be BLOOD!"? I mean maybe the turtle did just decide to move but it doesn't explain the footprint. Can he live inside for a while?

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  2. Ha, no turtle inside!!!! That would be a disaster. My bother knew a guy that had the same kind of turtle, and one day the turtle broke inside and the guy first thought he was robbed because everything was a disaster! They are very strong and just bulldoze their way through things. And poop a lot. My turtle is very heavy, and dense, but doesnt look it. So if they were trying to steal him and not just move him, they will need a wheelbarrow or at least two people. And turtle doesnt like being carried and flails his arms which scratch and hurts. And he makes these awful grunting noises when he is sleepy and disturbed, which if you arent use to, are weird and scary sounding. I have had my turtle stolen before though... i should write about that.

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    1. He seems like he can take care of himself, sounds like a character! I would love to see some pics!

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  3. Your argument is very compelling. I'd totally side with you in court if I were on a jury and you were telling your story. Too bad boobie traps are illegal. You could make little signs and put them up around your fence line with things like "I'm on to you" or "I know what you did last night" or "Case closed mother-fucker" on them that only your neighbor would understand. Or maybe just a series of pictures, the first a selfie where you're glaring at the camera, then one where you're pointing two fingers at your eyes, then one where you're pointing your finger at the camera. That should get your message across.

    Also:
    YOU HAD TURTLE STOLEN BEFORE?!?! Oh, hell no!!!

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    1. I go over and pet my neighbors dog pretty often, i feel like it wouldn't be so weird for him to tell us to do something about turtle digging :/

      yes, before i bought my house my turtle was staying at my moms and he went missing. i did get him back! but i'm sure my husband would have preferred not ;) i will work on that story. it was five/six years ago so all the details escape me...

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  4. I love the drawing, it does help with the story, and I love that you named it "Turtlegate."

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    1. thanks :) every once in awhile i come up with something funny, at least, it made me laugh :)

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